Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
