i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
