I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
