why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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