nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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