I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
