Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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