You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
