those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
