i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
