her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
