hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
