i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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