i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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