So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
