One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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