It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
