Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
