Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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