if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
