Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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