There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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