About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
