i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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