dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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