i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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