your room smells of hookers.
And success
my phone needs a breathalizer
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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