I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
