apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
