woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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