How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
