I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
