capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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