You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
