didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
