Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He better not be in your backpack
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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