I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
