just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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