is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
