I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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