Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
