Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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