I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
