I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
