I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
