I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
