I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
