You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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