there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
