i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
