dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
