I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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