eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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