If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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