Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
