I hate all girls vehemently.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
