There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
