How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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