i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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