Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
