when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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