good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
