Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
